FW: Gender bender

Male or Female?
You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go any where, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

Vehicles excluded from second-hand warranty

Commercial

Commercial vehicles are excluded from the statutory warranty. Basically, a commercial vehicle is a motor vehicle constructed or adapted principally:
to carry goods
to carry 10 or more adults
for industrial or agricultural use.
‘Dual-cab’ or ‘crew-cab’ vehicles are commercial vehicles.

Note: The following are not commercial vehicles, and (subject to age, distance and price) will be covered by warranty.
1.A utility, station wagon or panel van: that is the same make as the factory-produced motor car; in which the part of the body form, forward of the windscreen and the greater part of the mechanical equipment are the same, or substantially the same, as in the motor car.(Holden Commodore or Ford Falcon station wagon or utility).
2.A motor vehicle that is adapted for camping use (for example, a campervan).
3.A four-wheel drive with at least one forward-facing rear passenger seat ie. most of the normal long wheel base four-wheel drive passenger vehicles (apart from dual and crew cabs which have been excluded).

The definition of commercial vehicle does not apply to the Suzuki Hatch and Mighty Boy because their cargo space is not considered to be constructed or adapted principally to carry goods.
These and similar vehicles are considered to be covered by warranty if the criteria of distance travelled, age and price (luxury vehicle) applies. The fact that a vehicle may be used for 'commercial' purposes (courier, taxi, etc) after purchase does not void the statutory warranty.

Luxury vehicles

A luxury motor vehicle is a vehicle where the cash price exceeds a prescribed amount. The prescribed amount is the motor vehicle depreciation limit under the Income Tax Assessment Act and is set in the annual Federal Budget.
For the purpose of the Motor Dealers Act the figure effective as at 1st July 2002 was set at $57,009. Vehicles sold above this price are not covered by a Statutory Warranty or the Motor Dealers Compensation Fund.

Other vehicles not covered by statutory warranty

These are:
A trailer (which includes a caravan).
A motor vehicle or a second hand motor cycle that cannot be registered on New South Wales roads.
A substantially demolished or substantially dismantled motor vehicle.
A four wheel drive vehicle that has no forward facing rear passenger seat.

(Source: Office of Fair Trading NSW)

Fwd: Letter to my husband

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you knowabout the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned intothe driveway. Fortunately I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from shopping, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pickup fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality youwill forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you mysweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you. I cannot wait to hold youin my arms again.

Your loving wife.

P.S. Your girlfriend called.

CANCER UPDATE FROM JOHN HOPKINS HOSPITAL, US (1)——A Must Read One!!!

Useful Information on one of the deadliest diseases of our time: CANCER

(PLEASE READ AND FORWARD IT TO PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT)

1. Every person has cancer cells in the body. These cancer cells do notshow up in the standard tests until they have multiplied to a fewbillion.When doctors tell cancer patients that there are no more cancer cells in their bodies after treatment, it just means the tests are unable todetectthe cancer cells because they have not reached the detectable size.

2. Cancer cells occur between 6 to more than 10 times in a person's lifetime.

3. When the person's immune system is strong the cancer cells will bedestroyed and prevented from multiplying and forming tumours.

4. When a person has cancer it indicates the person has multiplenutritional deficiencies. These could be due to genetic, environmental,food and lifestyle factors.

5. To overcome the multiple nutritional deficiencies, changing diet andincluding supplements will strengthen the immune system.

6. Chemotherapy involves poisoning the rapidly-growing cancer cells andalso destroys rapidly-growing healthy cells in the bonemarrow,gastro-intestinal tract etc, and can cause organ damage, likeliver,kidneys, heart, lungs etc.

7. Radiation while destroying cancer cells also burns, scars and damageshealthy cells, tissues and organs.

8. Initial treatment with chemotherapy and radiation will often reducetumor size. However prolonged use of chemotherapy and radiation do not result in more tumor destruction.

9. When the body has too much toxic burden from chemotherapy andradiationthe immune system is either compromised or destroyed, hence the personcansuccumb to various kinds of infections and complications.

10. Chemotherapy and radiation can cause cancer cells to mutate andbecomeresistant and difficult to destroy. Surgery can also cause cancer cellstospread to other sites.

11. An effective way to battle cancer is to starve the cancer cells by notfeeding it with the foods it needs to multiply.

CANCER CELLS FEED ON:

a. Sugar is a cancer-feeder. By cutting off sugar it cuts off one important food supply to the cancer cells. Sugar substitutes like NutraSweet, Equal,Spoonful, etc are made with Aspartame and it is harmful. A better natural substitute would be Manuka honey or molasses but only in very small amounts. Table salt has a chemical added to make it white in colour. Better alternative is Bragg's aminos or sea salt.

b. Milk causes the body to produce mucus, especially in the gastro-intestinal tract. Cancer feeds on mucus. By cutting off milk and substituting with unsweetened soya milk cancer cells are being starved.

c. Cancer cells thrive in an acid environment. A meat-based diet is acidic and it is best to eat fish, and a little chicken rather than beef or pork. Meat also contains livestock antibiotics, growth hormones and parasites, which are all harmful, especially to people with cancer.

d. A diet made of 80% fresh vegetables and juice, whole grains,seeds, nuts and a little fruits help put the body into an alkaline environment. About 20% can be from cooked food including beans. Fresh vegetable juices provide live enzymes that are easily absorbed and reach down to cellular levels within 15 minutes to nourish and enhance growth of healthy cells. To obtain live enzymes for building healthy cells try and drink fresh vegetable juice (most vegetables including bean sprouts) and eat some raw vegetables 2 or 3 times a day. Enzymes are destroyed at temperatures of 104 degrees F (40 degrees C).

e. Avoid coffee, tea, and chocolate, which have high caffeine.Green tea is a better alternative and has cancer-fighting properties. Water-best to drink purified water, or filtered, to avoid known toxins and heavy metals in tap water. Distilled water is acidic, avoid it.

12. Meat protein is difficult to digest and requires a lot of digestiveenzymes. Undigested meat remaining in the intestines become putrefiedandleads to more toxic buildup.

13. Cancer cell walls have a tough protein covering. By refraining fromoreating less meat it frees more enzymes to attack the protein walls of cancer cells and allows the body's killer cells to destroy the cancercells.

14. Some supplements build up the immune system (IP6,Flor-ssence,Essiac,anti-oxidants, vitamins, minerals, EFAs etc.) to enable the body's own killer cells to destroy cancer cells. Other supplements like vitamin Eareknown to cause apoptosis, or programmed cell death, the body's normalmethod of disposing of damaged, unwanted, or unneeded cells.

15. Cancer is a disease of the mind, body, and spirit. A proactive andpositive spirit will help the cancer warrior be a survivor. Anger,unforgiveness and bitterness put the body into a stressful and acid ic environment. Learn to have a loving and forgiving spirit. Learn torelax and enjoy life.

16. Cancer cells cannot thrive in an oxygenated environment. Exercisingdaily, and deep breathing help to get more oxygen down to the cellular level. Oxygen therapy is another means employed to destroy cancercells.

Rental Dispute

A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500.00. So they spent the night together. In the morning, before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment."

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a cheque for $250.00 and enclosed a note:

Dear Madam,

Enclosed find a cheque in the amount of $250.00 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:

1. It had never been occupied.
2. There was plenty of heat.
3. It was small enough to make me cosy and at home.

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied,that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the Following reply...


Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the Landlord.

I will expect full payment due immediately or I will be forced to hire
someone to remove your furniture.

Chinese Call Centre - Good Wan

Good Wan! (Good One!)

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?

Caller : I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator : Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree.

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry . Now give me your name!!
Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree .....

Caller: Oh .........God!!!!