Christmas gifts

The Xmas gifts I've bought：
Blender $49.95
Soft toy $14.95
Harry Potter complete set $88
Clarins gift set $49
Lego blocks $6.95
Wood Worx Monster Car $19.95
Gift bags $4
Sydney Directory $9.99
Other Books $35.90
Shisedo gift set $76.50
Singlet $8
Avon Gift Set 29.99
Avon lotion/perfume $20
Xmas Card/wrapping $8
Chocolate $28
Backyard Tennis $19.85

Xmas gifts I've received:
Chocolate X 6 (Everyone knows that I'm a chocolate worm now!)
Candle
Honey Bath Gel
......
To be continued ...

Our Office's donation to Salvation Army

Fwd; True Friendship "Aussie Style--" None of that Sissy Crap

Are you tired of those piss weak 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cute little smiley faces on this card -- Just the stone cold truth of a great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get pickled and plot revenge against the bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag you about it every chance I get until you're NOT.

5.... When you are worried -- I will tell you stories about how much worse it could be until t you stop whining.

6... When you are confused -- I will try to use only little words.

7... When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will laugh at your clumsy backside, but I'll help you up.

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask;
because you are my friend.

Friendship is like pissing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said,
"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. "

" What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

" Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour
and material imaginable.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from ."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple. ...
The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and,
The Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!...
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!...
{E} Enormous!...
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...

Fwd: Irish Vasectomy

(Just a joke, no prejudice)

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have anymore children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in New Zealand and Tasmania.

To all intelligent readers

I could not figure it out and had to look at the answer. See if you can figure out what these words have in common.

1 Banana
2 Dresser
3 Grammar
4 Potato
5 Revive
6 Uneven
7 Assess

Are you peeking or have you already given up?
Give it another try. Look at each word carefully.
(You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer.)
This Is Cool.



Answer: In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word.Did you figure it out? No? Then send it to more people and stump them as well. Then, you'll feel better too.

With age comes wisdom

A guy is 80 years old and loves to fish and play golf.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,

"Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous becauseI will be your bride!"

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

Some Excellent Thoughts

If you born poor it's not your mistake, buy if you die poor it's your mistake.
- Bill Gates

In a day when you don't come across any problems, you can be sure that you're travelling in a wrong path.
- Swami Vivekananda

Three sentences for getting success:
a) Know more than other
b) Work more than other
c) Expect less than other
- William Shakesphere

If you win you need not explain... But if you lose you should not be there to explain.
- Adolph Hitler

Don't compare yourself with anyone in this world. If you do so, you are insulting yourself.
- Alen Strike

Winning doesn't always mean being first, winning means you're doing better than you've done before.
- Bonnie Blair

I will not say I failed 1000 times, I will say that I discovered there are 1000 ways that can cause failure.
- Thomas Edison

Believing everybody is dangerous;
Believing nobody is very dangerous...
- Abraham Lincoln

If someone feels that they had never made a mistake in their life, then it means they had never tried a new thing in their life...
- Einstein

Never break four things in your life: Trust, Promise, Relation and Heart because when they break they don't make noise but pains a lot.
- Charles

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise (a little naughty but funny!)

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the Correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

Have you done this on the plane?

Football is for girl?

Carpool to work

Best Positions in Bed

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT - USE THE SINK.

4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE TOO AFRAID TO COUGH.

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS

Best breast cancer promotion I have ever seen

Fwd: THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:
Mary was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Mary tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Mary.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Mary looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: 'Good trade.....'

Fwd: The Wedding Ring

A man went to the hospital in Gympie, Queensland to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.

According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket.
She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.

2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis. OR....

3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

Tough call. You decide.

My kind of Guru

Fwd: Interesting facts about environment

• Australian s use approximately four times more energy per person than the world average.
• Every seat on a flight from Australia to Europe produces about the same amount of greenhouse gas pollution as a small car generates in two years.
• Livestock alone now emit more harmful gases into the Earth's atmosphere than transport.
• A computer and monitor left on for a year will generate the same amount of carbon dioxide (300kg) as a car travelling from Sydney to Perth.
• Some large cars today have enough power in their engines to launch an aircraft.
• Plastic bags can last for thousands of years in the environment. A cigarette butt takes 18 months to break down, while a disposable nappy can take up to 300 million years. A plastic bottle can last indefinitely.

Fwd: Marriage Humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband : 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife : 'Yes or no.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you!'

Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
Son: ' Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ____
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, N O MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever .

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor.'

Nintendo plans 60-instrument 'Wii Music'

Nintendo has announced plans to launch a music game for its hit Wii game console this year, taking it into the fast-growing software segment pioneered by Guitar Hero.

Wii sales have topped those of more technically souped up and expensive rival consoles from Microsoft and Sony with its motion controller that can be swung like a bat or a sword, broadening its audience well beyond hardcore video gamers.

Wii Music will let players simulate more than 60 different instruments. Activision's Guitar Hero turned the music-playing genre into arguably the hottest category for video games.
Guitar Hero already plays on all three game consoles, including the Wii, helping to build the industry's appeal among players beyond core fighting and race-style titles.

"A true paradigm shift has taken place in the global games market," Nintendo President Satoru Iwata told the E3 video game conference, the most important industry event.
A more sensitive Wii MotionPlus controller add-on also will debut next spring with a new suite of Wii sports games from the company.

Nintendo widened the uses for the console with its Wii Fit balance board and on Tuesday said it plans to begin selling this year Wii Speak, a group microphone that works with its Wii game console and can be used for online games.

The company also said it also plans to release a much-hyped game called Animal Crossing: City Folk for the Wii this year before the start of the holiday shopping season. The game lets players serve as caretakers of a virtual world that continues to function even when the game isn't being played.
This is the first time that the Animal Crossing franchise will be available for the Wii. It was already a hit on Nintendo's past game platform, the GameCube, and the hand-held Nintendo DS.
Nintendo said the DS will also get a version of Take Two's Grand Theft Auto this winter - Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars. The company expects to have sold about 100 million DS units by the end of its fiscal year next march. It had sold about 70 million in the fiscal year through March 2008.

(Source: Reuters)

Fwd: An incredible love story

An incredible love story has come out of China recently and managed to touch the world. It is a story of a man and an older woman who ran off to live and love each other in peace for over half a century. The 70-year-old Chinese man who hand-carved over 6,000 stairs up a mountain for his 80-year-old wife has passed away in the cave which has been the couple's home for the last 50 years.

Over 50 years ago, Liu Guojiang a 19 year-old boy, fell in love with a 29 year-old widowed mother named Xu Chaoqin.
In a twist worthy of Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, friends and relatives criticized the relationship because of the age difference and the fact that Xu already had children.
At that time, it was unacceptable and immoral for a young man to love an older woman.. To avoid the market gossip and the scorn of their communities, the couple decided to elope and lived in a cave in Jiangjin County in Southern ChongQing Municipality.
In the beginning, life was harsh as hey had nothing, no electricity or even food. They had to eat grass and roots they found in the mountain, and Liu made a kerosene lamp that they used to light up their lives. Xu felt that she had tied Liu down and repeatedly asked him, 'Are you regretful? Liu always replied, 'As long as we are industrious, life will improve.'In the second year of living in the mountain, Liu began and continued for over 50 years, to hand-carve the steps so that his wife could get down the mountain easily.

Half a century later in 2001, a group of adventurers were exploring the forest and were surprised to find the elderly couple and the over 6,000 hand-carved steps. Liu MingSheng, one of their seven children said, 'My parents loved each other so much, they have lived in seclusion for over 50 years and never been apart a single day. He hand carved more than 6,000 steps over the years for my mother's convenience, although she doesn't go down the mountain that much.' The couple had lived in peace for over 50 years until last week. Liu, now 72 years, returned from his daily farm work and collapsed. Xu sat and prayed with her husband as he passed away in her arms. So in love with Xu, was Liu, that no one was able to release the grip he had on his wife's hand even after he had passed away. 'You promised me you'll take care of me, you'll always be with me until the day I died, now you left before me, how am I going to live without you?' Xu spent days softly repeating this sentence and touching her husband's black coffin with tears rolling down her cheeks.

In 2006, their story became one of the top 10 love stories from China , collected by the Chinese Women Weekly. The local government has decided to preserve the love ladder and the place they lived as a museum, so this love story can live forever.

FW: The Value of a Drink

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame . Then I look into the glass and think
About the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "

~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,

smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"

~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."

~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the " Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not

Fwd: Old Age

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL, YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED , 'IN 1967. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED.

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'

Fwd: Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, But I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted crazy, then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises, My co-worker ( who's blonde ) asked me what I was doing, I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so, that the Boss might think I was crazy, and give me time off.

A few minutes later, the Boss came into the office and asked; What in the name of God are you doing?'
I told him that I was a light bulb.
He said: 'You are clearly stressed out - go home and rest for a couple of days,'
I jumped down and walked out of the office.....

When my co-worker ( the blonde ) followed me the Boss asked her;

And where do you think you're going?!'

( You're gonna love this.....)




scroll down




She said 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark !'

FW: Court Ruling for a 7yr old boy

Federal Court Ruling from the Sydney Morning Herald, Australia A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when hech allenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boyhas a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grand parents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the South Sydney Rugby League team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capableof beating anyone.

Divorce cakes

Fwd: Diamond Covered Mercedes

THE CAR COSTS $4.8 MILLION AND IF YOU WANT TO TOUCH IT, YOU HAVE TO PAY $1000.
IT BELONGS TO PRINCE ALWALEED FROM SAUDI ARABIA. It is his 38th car!

Diamond Covered Mercedes of Prince Waleed:

Remember this when gasoline hits $5.00 a gallon.

You paid for this one.

Average pay climbs to $58,448 a year

(By Nicki Bourlioufas and wires)

THE average weekly wage in Australia is now $1124, after growing by a solid 4.8 per cent over the year to February, taking the average annual wage to $58,448.

But men still earn a lot more than women. The average annual male wage, excluding overtime, is now $61,958 compared to $52,166 for women. Both of those pay packets were up 4.8 per cent from a year ago.

The quarterly seasonally-adjusted pace of average weekly ordinary time earnings (AWOTE) rose 1.1 per cent in the three months to February, Australian Bureau of Statistics data released today shows.

The annual rate of wages growth remains above the Reserve Bank of Australia's (RBA) perceived "line in the sand" at 4.5 per cent.

In the twelve months to February 2008, full-time adult total earnings rose by 4.4 per cent for males and 5.2 per cent for females in trend terms.

The strong growth in private-sector wages reflects a booming economy. Employers are having to pay employees more and more as a national skills shortage raises the price of labour keep unemployemnt low. The jobless rate stands at just 4.2 per cent.

The composition of the AWOTE series tends to make it volatile and why the RBA prefers to use the wage price index - released yesterday - as one of its main guides to wages growth.

That index proved surprisingly benign, given a tight labour market, increasing at its slowest pace since September 2006 for an annual rate of 4.1 per cent in the year to March.

This was down a notch from the 4.2 per cent growth seen during 2007.

Last week the Reserve Bank said that while the current level of interest rates was appropriate, it indicated that it would have little tolerance to second-round effects from high inflation, such as rising wages.

(Source: news.com.au)

HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?

You have to try this please, it takes 2 seconds.

I could not believe this!!! It is from an orthopaedic surgeon...........

This will boggle your mind and you will keep you trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It's pre-programmed in your brain!

1. Without anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY......) and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.

I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.

Before and After Marriage

Fwd: WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

Men Are Just Happier People--
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky..
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.

Fwd: Meaty bites dog food - naughty but funny

I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid bitch...why else would I buy dog food??

Some interesting information for Easter

Easter this year is: Sunday March 23, 2008

• As you may know, Easter is always the 1st Sunday after the 1st full moon after the Spring Equinox (which is March 20).
• This dating of Easter is based on the lunar calendar that Hebrew people used to identify passover, which is why it moves around on our Roman calendar.
• Found out a couple of things you might be interested in.
• Based on the above, Easter can actually be one day earlier (March 22) but that is pretty rare.
• This year is the earliest Easter any of us will ever see for the rest of our lives! And only the most elderly of our population have ever seen it this early (95 years old or above!). And none of us have ever, or will ever, see it a day earlier!

Here are the facts:

• The next time Easter will be this early (March 23) will be the year 2228 (220 years from now). The last time it was this early was 1913 (so if you're 95 or older, you are the only ones that were around for that!).
• The next time it will be a day earlier, March 22, will be in the year 2285 (277 years from now). The last time it was on March 22 was 1818. So, no one alive today has or will ever see it any earlier than this year!

Fwd: Cute Old Lady

All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked,
'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:



'I outlived the bitches.'

Fish with pistachio herb crust

Lactose-free, egg-free

Serve 6

1 cup fresh breadcrumbs (3-4 slices bread)
30g flat-leaf parsley leaves (2 small handfuls)
20g basil leaves (1 small handful)
1 clove garlic
1/3 cup unsalted pistachios
1 teaspoon sea salt
?cup olive oil
6 x 150g firm white fish fillets (I used Rock Ling)

Use a food processor to crumb the bread. Add the parsley, basil, garlic and pistachios and pulse until combined but the texture is still rough. Pour in the oil and pulse again to moisten crumbs. Line a baking tray with baking paper and place the fish fillets on the paper. Divide the pistachio mixture between the fillets and press down well to make a firm crust. Cover with plastic film and refrigerate for at least 30 minutes.

Preheat the grill to medium and the oven to 180 degree. Place the tray under the grill and cook the fish until the crust is starting to turn golden, about 3 minutes. Transfer tray to oven and bake for 10 minutes or until fish is cooked through.

Serve with lemon wedges, diced roasted potatoes and a green salad.

Notes:Other types of firm white fish include Blue-eye, Flake or Mirror Dory.
My fishmonger recommends buying Gummy Flake as it is a smallish shark; concerns re mercury levels significantly reduced.
Make this recipe gluten-free by using gluten-free bread for the breadcrumbs.The Rock Ling I used was quite thick and took ages to cook, so I sacrificed one piece of beautifully crusted fish (no prize for guessing whose piece) to keep checking for doneness.

(Source: kidspot.com.au)

The truest truth. - Why it's better to be the boss?

Super fast tuna fried rice

Gluten-free, lactose-free, nut-free

Serves 4

1 teaspoon olive oil
2 eggs
4 rashers bacon, diced
1 small onion, diced
1 cup frozen peas
425g tin tuna
2 tablespoons soy sauce
2 cups cooked rice
Coriander or chives to garnish

Heat oil in a wok or large frypan, break eggs into wok and stir with a spoon to break up the yolks. Cook for a minute, flip the omelette over and cook the other side for a minute. Transfer omelette to a plate and slice into bite size strips. Return wok to heat and stir fry bacon and onion until onion is soft, about 3 minutes. Add peas, cook for two minutes. Add tuna and soy sauce, combine with other ingredients, then add rice and egg strips. Stir well to combine and heat through. Serve immediately garnished with herbs.

(Source: kidspot.com.au)

How to build a better butt

(by Paula Goodyer)

If anyone deserves a medal for services to healthy curves it's Jennifer Lopez, whose rear end reminds us that women are meant to carry extra weight around their lower body. It's nature's hedge against famine and, compared to weight that hangs around the waist, a much healthier kind of fat.

But what if nature has been too generous with the famine protection? Can you trim the surplus fat? The first thing to know is that you can't spot reduce, says Sydney personal trainer Heidi Dening. The only way to shift extra weight from anywhere is to eat better and do regular exercise such as running, walking, cycling or strength training.

"The weight won't immediately fall off your butt - usually your face loses it first, followed by your boobs and then your bum - so while you'll be trimmer all round you could still be shaped like a pear," Dening says.

Walking or running help peel weight off but the trick to creating a shapelier rear end is strength training to exercise the butt muscle, the gluteus maximus or "glutes". This means using the weight of your body, a dumbbell or a barbell to work the muscle harder - no bad thing, given that getting on and off a chair is often the only workout glutes ever get.

If you don't have knee problems, the best exercise is a squat, Dening says. You stand with your feet hip-width apart, knees slightly bent and toes facing forward - make sure you can still see your toes over your knees as you bend. Lower your butt as if you were sitting on a chair but don't let your knees don't go over your toes. Squeeze your glutes, using them to push yourself back into an upright position - driving your heels into the ground as you come up makes the glutes work harder.

Dening suggests aiming for three sets of 20 squats with a little break in between. "It's good to keep going to the point where you can't do another squat," she says, adding that once squats get easier you graduate to doing squats with dumbbells. "You'll get the best results if you learn to do the moves correctly, either with a personal trainer or at a gym class first." Other good moves for glutes? Cycling and climbing stairs. "But as you put your foot on the step be conscious of squeezing the glutes, otherwise the leg does all the work."

If you're heading into your late 40s and think your only worry will be middle-aged spread, that's because no one has warned you about vanishing butt syndrome. As estrogen levels shrink around menopause so does some of the padding around your bum, leaving you with a space in your jeans where the curve used to be. "If you've lost shape there at middle age, strength training can help you regain it, though it might take time," Dening says. "And if you haven't reached middle age yet, strength training can help maintain the shape of your butt."

(Source: smh)

Bored husband

Never take a man shopping!!!!

Dear Mrs. Murry,Our store is considering banning your family from ever shoppingwith us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras.

MEMORe:

Complaints

15 Things Mr. Wayne Murry has done while his spouse is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minuteintervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to tamponssection.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,"Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay-by.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told theshoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cryand asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.10. November

10: While handling guns in the hunting department asked theclerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practised his "Madonna look" usingdifferent size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker he assumesthe foetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!And; last, but not least!

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while;then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

10 ways to live to be 100

What are the secrets to longevity? Dr Maoshing Ni has an answer, or ten, in his new book

1. Take long walks for a longer life
Most centenarians walk for at least thirty minutes a day. Walking can considerably reduce risks of stroke and heart disease, according to research. It can also boost levels of good cholesterol.

2. Slim down with soup
Eat nutritious soup at least once a day. Low salt soup re-hydrates as it nourishes and flushes waste from your system. Lose more weight than those who eat the same number of calories but don't eat soup. Avoid canned soups which are loaded with salt and chemicals.

3. Drink pure filtered water
Hundreds of pollutants are regularly found in drinking water from various sources. Your safest bet is to use a wide-spectrum water filtration system.

4. Clean your fruit and vegies thoroughly
Scrub your produce in a mixture of salt and hot water to remove external layers of pesticides, fungicides and wax. Go for organic-grown produce whenever possible.

5. Speed up your metabolism
An amino acid ‘L-carnitine’ manufactured in your liver can promote fat loss, increase circulation to the brain and boost energy production in muscle cells. The following foods are rich in L-carnitine: meats, fish, poultry, wheat, avocado, milk and fermented soybeans.

6. Protect your eye-sight with spinach
Studies show that spinach really does help you see better. It contains special antioxidants that protect the eye from age-related macular degeneration.

7. Look and feel younger with nuts and seeds
A handful of nuts and seeds everyday is fantastic for improving circulation and muscle tone. They contain the amino acid ‘arginine’ which is useful in fighting heart disease, impotence, infertility and high blood pressure.

8. Eat more during the day and less at night
Research suggests that if you eat your daily protein and fat at breakfast you will have more energy and tend to lose weight. If however, you eat those same things at dinner time you might tend to gain weight, increase blood pressure and risk of heart disease.

9. Be a vegetarian on weekdays, a carnivore on weekends
Generally, vegetarians suffer fewer degenerative diseases than carnivores. For a perfectly healthy and balanced approach, limit your intake of red meat to only weekends.

10. Stimulate the brain with mental fitness
Fickle memory, diminishing concentration and slowed response time are caused by decreased blood flow to the brain and the loss of brain cells. To stimulate brain cell activity you could find new hobbies, learn new things and attempt cross-word puzzles.

(Source: Blackmores)

What a million dollars used to buy you ...

Author: Kate Nancarrow
Date: January 16, 2008
Publication: The Age

We take a look at the Melbourne market over the past 30 years to see how far a million dollars used to stretch. You may be surprised.
5
Five years ago, $1 million bought a 50-square Templestowe home with six bedrooms, balcony, double garage, tennis court, pool and home office. Today, a similar home would sell for $1.5 million, estimates Peter Fort of Fletchers in Doncaster East.
10
Ten years ago, $1 million bought a 41 square home on Beaconsfield Parade with beachfront views, five bedrooms, double garage, pool house, heated jet pool and spa. Today, a similar home would sell for $5-$6 million, estimates Michael Coen, of Hocking Stuart in Albert Park.
20
Twenty years ago, $1 million bought a 45 square Hawthorn home with five bedrooms, tennis court and swimming pool. Today, a similar home would sell for between $2.5 million and $5 million, says Julian Tonkin of Collins Simms in Hawthorn.
30
Thirty years ago, in 1977, there were no sales figures of $1 million. A 91-square Toorak house with six bedrooms, pool house, basement double garage and pool; and a 94-square Toorak house with five bedrooms, tennis court and separate servants quarters each sold for between $500,000 and $600,000. Sales in Toorak for six-bedroom homes have been from about $5.5 million to $11 million this year. Exceptional sales in Toorak included a home for $18 million, says Fiona Evans of Biggin & Scott, Prahran.

(Source: Land Victoria, a division of the Department of Sustainability and Environment)