My kind of Guru

Fwd: Interesting facts about environment

• Australian s use approximately four times more energy per person than the world average.
• Every seat on a flight from Australia to Europe produces about the same amount of greenhouse gas pollution as a small car generates in two years.
• Livestock alone now emit more harmful gases into the Earth's atmosphere than transport.
• A computer and monitor left on for a year will generate the same amount of carbon dioxide (300kg) as a car travelling from Sydney to Perth.
• Some large cars today have enough power in their engines to launch an aircraft.
• Plastic bags can last for thousands of years in the environment. A cigarette butt takes 18 months to break down, while a disposable nappy can take up to 300 million years. A plastic bottle can last indefinitely.

Fwd: Marriage Humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband : 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife : 'Yes or no.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you!'

Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
Son: ' Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ____
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, N O MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever .

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor.'

Nintendo plans 60-instrument 'Wii Music'

Nintendo has announced plans to launch a music game for its hit Wii game console this year, taking it into the fast-growing software segment pioneered by Guitar Hero.

Wii sales have topped those of more technically souped up and expensive rival consoles from Microsoft and Sony with its motion controller that can be swung like a bat or a sword, broadening its audience well beyond hardcore video gamers.

Wii Music will let players simulate more than 60 different instruments. Activision's Guitar Hero turned the music-playing genre into arguably the hottest category for video games.
Guitar Hero already plays on all three game consoles, including the Wii, helping to build the industry's appeal among players beyond core fighting and race-style titles.

"A true paradigm shift has taken place in the global games market," Nintendo President Satoru Iwata told the E3 video game conference, the most important industry event.
A more sensitive Wii MotionPlus controller add-on also will debut next spring with a new suite of Wii sports games from the company.

Nintendo widened the uses for the console with its Wii Fit balance board and on Tuesday said it plans to begin selling this year Wii Speak, a group microphone that works with its Wii game console and can be used for online games.

The company also said it also plans to release a much-hyped game called Animal Crossing: City Folk for the Wii this year before the start of the holiday shopping season. The game lets players serve as caretakers of a virtual world that continues to function even when the game isn't being played.
This is the first time that the Animal Crossing franchise will be available for the Wii. It was already a hit on Nintendo's past game platform, the GameCube, and the hand-held Nintendo DS.
Nintendo said the DS will also get a version of Take Two's Grand Theft Auto this winter - Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars. The company expects to have sold about 100 million DS units by the end of its fiscal year next march. It had sold about 70 million in the fiscal year through March 2008.

(Source: Reuters)

Fwd: An incredible love story

An incredible love story has come out of China recently and managed to touch the world. It is a story of a man and an older woman who ran off to live and love each other in peace for over half a century. The 70-year-old Chinese man who hand-carved over 6,000 stairs up a mountain for his 80-year-old wife has passed away in the cave which has been the couple's home for the last 50 years.

Over 50 years ago, Liu Guojiang a 19 year-old boy, fell in love with a 29 year-old widowed mother named Xu Chaoqin.
In a twist worthy of Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, friends and relatives criticized the relationship because of the age difference and the fact that Xu already had children.
At that time, it was unacceptable and immoral for a young man to love an older woman.. To avoid the market gossip and the scorn of their communities, the couple decided to elope and lived in a cave in Jiangjin County in Southern ChongQing Municipality.
In the beginning, life was harsh as hey had nothing, no electricity or even food. They had to eat grass and roots they found in the mountain, and Liu made a kerosene lamp that they used to light up their lives. Xu felt that she had tied Liu down and repeatedly asked him, 'Are you regretful? Liu always replied, 'As long as we are industrious, life will improve.'In the second year of living in the mountain, Liu began and continued for over 50 years, to hand-carve the steps so that his wife could get down the mountain easily.

Half a century later in 2001, a group of adventurers were exploring the forest and were surprised to find the elderly couple and the over 6,000 hand-carved steps. Liu MingSheng, one of their seven children said, 'My parents loved each other so much, they have lived in seclusion for over 50 years and never been apart a single day. He hand carved more than 6,000 steps over the years for my mother's convenience, although she doesn't go down the mountain that much.' The couple had lived in peace for over 50 years until last week. Liu, now 72 years, returned from his daily farm work and collapsed. Xu sat and prayed with her husband as he passed away in her arms. So in love with Xu, was Liu, that no one was able to release the grip he had on his wife's hand even after he had passed away. 'You promised me you'll take care of me, you'll always be with me until the day I died, now you left before me, how am I going to live without you?' Xu spent days softly repeating this sentence and touching her husband's black coffin with tears rolling down her cheeks.

In 2006, their story became one of the top 10 love stories from China , collected by the Chinese Women Weekly. The local government has decided to preserve the love ladder and the place they lived as a museum, so this love story can live forever.

FW: The Value of a Drink

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame . Then I look into the glass and think
About the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "

~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,

smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"

~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

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"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."

~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the " Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not

Fwd: Old Age

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL, YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED , 'IN 1967. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED.

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'

Fwd: Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, But I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted crazy, then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises, My co-worker ( who's blonde ) asked me what I was doing, I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so, that the Boss might think I was crazy, and give me time off.

A few minutes later, the Boss came into the office and asked; What in the name of God are you doing?'
I told him that I was a light bulb.
He said: 'You are clearly stressed out - go home and rest for a couple of days,'
I jumped down and walked out of the office.....

When my co-worker ( the blonde ) followed me the Boss asked her;

And where do you think you're going?!'

( You're gonna love this.....)




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She said 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark !'

FW: Court Ruling for a 7yr old boy

Federal Court Ruling from the Sydney Morning Herald, Australia A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when hech allenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boyhas a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grand parents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the South Sydney Rugby League team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capableof beating anyone.

Divorce cakes

Fwd: Diamond Covered Mercedes

THE CAR COSTS $4.8 MILLION AND IF YOU WANT TO TOUCH IT, YOU HAVE TO PAY $1000.
IT BELONGS TO PRINCE ALWALEED FROM SAUDI ARABIA. It is his 38th car!

Diamond Covered Mercedes of Prince Waleed:

Remember this when gasoline hits $5.00 a gallon.

You paid for this one.

Average pay climbs to $58,448 a year

(By Nicki Bourlioufas and wires)

THE average weekly wage in Australia is now $1124, after growing by a solid 4.8 per cent over the year to February, taking the average annual wage to $58,448.

But men still earn a lot more than women. The average annual male wage, excluding overtime, is now $61,958 compared to $52,166 for women. Both of those pay packets were up 4.8 per cent from a year ago.

The quarterly seasonally-adjusted pace of average weekly ordinary time earnings (AWOTE) rose 1.1 per cent in the three months to February, Australian Bureau of Statistics data released today shows.

The annual rate of wages growth remains above the Reserve Bank of Australia's (RBA) perceived "line in the sand" at 4.5 per cent.

In the twelve months to February 2008, full-time adult total earnings rose by 4.4 per cent for males and 5.2 per cent for females in trend terms.

The strong growth in private-sector wages reflects a booming economy. Employers are having to pay employees more and more as a national skills shortage raises the price of labour keep unemployemnt low. The jobless rate stands at just 4.2 per cent.

The composition of the AWOTE series tends to make it volatile and why the RBA prefers to use the wage price index - released yesterday - as one of its main guides to wages growth.

That index proved surprisingly benign, given a tight labour market, increasing at its slowest pace since September 2006 for an annual rate of 4.1 per cent in the year to March.

This was down a notch from the 4.2 per cent growth seen during 2007.

Last week the Reserve Bank said that while the current level of interest rates was appropriate, it indicated that it would have little tolerance to second-round effects from high inflation, such as rising wages.

(Source: news.com.au)

HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?

You have to try this please, it takes 2 seconds.

I could not believe this!!! It is from an orthopaedic surgeon...........

This will boggle your mind and you will keep you trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It's pre-programmed in your brain!

1. Without anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY......) and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.

I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.

Before and After Marriage

Fwd: WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

Men Are Just Happier People--
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky..
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.

Fwd: Meaty bites dog food - naughty but funny

I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid bitch...why else would I buy dog food??

Some interesting information for Easter

Easter this year is: Sunday March 23, 2008

• As you may know, Easter is always the 1st Sunday after the 1st full moon after the Spring Equinox (which is March 20).
• This dating of Easter is based on the lunar calendar that Hebrew people used to identify passover, which is why it moves around on our Roman calendar.
• Found out a couple of things you might be interested in.
• Based on the above, Easter can actually be one day earlier (March 22) but that is pretty rare.
• This year is the earliest Easter any of us will ever see for the rest of our lives! And only the most elderly of our population have ever seen it this early (95 years old or above!). And none of us have ever, or will ever, see it a day earlier!

Here are the facts:

• The next time Easter will be this early (March 23) will be the year 2228 (220 years from now). The last time it was this early was 1913 (so if you're 95 or older, you are the only ones that were around for that!).
• The next time it will be a day earlier, March 22, will be in the year 2285 (277 years from now). The last time it was on March 22 was 1818. So, no one alive today has or will ever see it any earlier than this year!

Fwd: Cute Old Lady

All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked,
'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:



'I outlived the bitches.'

Fish with pistachio herb crust

Lactose-free, egg-free

Serve 6

1 cup fresh breadcrumbs (3-4 slices bread)
30g flat-leaf parsley leaves (2 small handfuls)
20g basil leaves (1 small handful)
1 clove garlic
1/3 cup unsalted pistachios
1 teaspoon sea salt
?cup olive oil
6 x 150g firm white fish fillets (I used Rock Ling)

Use a food processor to crumb the bread. Add the parsley, basil, garlic and pistachios and pulse until combined but the texture is still rough. Pour in the oil and pulse again to moisten crumbs. Line a baking tray with baking paper and place the fish fillets on the paper. Divide the pistachio mixture between the fillets and press down well to make a firm crust. Cover with plastic film and refrigerate for at least 30 minutes.

Preheat the grill to medium and the oven to 180 degree. Place the tray under the grill and cook the fish until the crust is starting to turn golden, about 3 minutes. Transfer tray to oven and bake for 10 minutes or until fish is cooked through.

Serve with lemon wedges, diced roasted potatoes and a green salad.

Notes:Other types of firm white fish include Blue-eye, Flake or Mirror Dory.
My fishmonger recommends buying Gummy Flake as it is a smallish shark; concerns re mercury levels significantly reduced.
Make this recipe gluten-free by using gluten-free bread for the breadcrumbs.The Rock Ling I used was quite thick and took ages to cook, so I sacrificed one piece of beautifully crusted fish (no prize for guessing whose piece) to keep checking for doneness.

(Source: kidspot.com.au)

The truest truth. - Why it's better to be the boss?